My Final Post on Tumblr
Human analysis is a lie. The truth was that I was lonely.
All the masks are broken.
A million ants...Which is Lonelier?
Human analysis is a lie. The truth was that I was lonely.
All the masks are broken.
Thanks for not telling me about tonight.
Remember when you said you’d keep me informed?
I’m being passive aggressive grr.
I’ve really been trying to patch up various aspects of my life.
I accepted an offer to do an 8-week summer research stint at the lab to get
a head start on my independent study work next fall. It’s full-time with a
pretty good pay.
That means I will be staying in the triangle area for the larger first half
of this summer.
I mentioned they ran out of cell culture work for me to do at lab last week
because everything got contaminated and we had to throw out the samples
(which was honestly more of a blow to my pride than a practical setback).
Uhhhh kinda turned that around, agreed to start editing people’s papers and
doing training for some of the more expensive, previously off-limits lab
equipment. Turns out I’ll have more hours than before.
At the moment I can hear all the grad students whining about running out of
sterile tips and pipets and surgical kits because the lab director has
decided to stop babying them and told me to stop auto claving stuff for
them. It’s actually kinda cute how much this is like a dysfunctional family.
So this resumes my funding for the Beta22 amp. And I can start putting
savings toward a proper pair of orthodynamics (HE-500 *drool*). I’ll even
Part of all this was a painful realization that I need to grow up and do
uncomfortable things, as in getting an apartment, paying taxes,
reconsidering being a productive member of society and not consigning
myself to entry-level service sector positions after an over-perceived
slight from an cruel and unjust universe. Oh and research proposals and car
**Actually I’m starting to feel really bad for the grads at the moment…
can I just autoclave stuff for them? Poor things :/
I’ve also planned a few really interesting new projects for the summer
(Handcrafted longbow? Bokken Kendo practice sword? DIY crossbow? I actually
really want a crossbow. I don’t know what I’d do with it, but I just want
one. That, and a stuffed wolf’s head to mount over my fireplace. I might go
on a survival hike with some friends, which is really not my thing. But I
think it’ll be fun when I intentionally sabotage it and feed our food
supply and equipment to the bears after we’re a few days trek into the
woods. I think it’d be the perfect excuse to eat each other or re-enact
Lord of the Flies.
Be a bear, don’t care. Boku wa kuma nin jainyo. The Tyrells kill Joffrey.
Rob and Cate die at the Red wedding. Jon Snow something something Ned Stark’s bastard. Now then, can we stop watching Game of Thrones? With the rate at which J.R.R. Martin writes, the show is going to catch up to the novels in no time. I’m cringing at the thought of the executive producers creating their own storyline. Or a bunch of filler episodes including but not limited to: A Day in the Summer Isles (a.k.a. “Yes we do have black people. omg stop calling us racist.”), A Day in the Life of Syrio, nature documentary on things north of the Wall, that episode where amy winehouse makes a guest appearance because emilia clarke forgets her extremely fake-looking wig for the whole of shooting and production… the possibilities are endless.
I made new appointments with my psychiatrist and yes my anxiety is turning
into paranoia, but I think it’s really manageable when I remind myself
everyone will die one day. It’s never a matter of if, only a matter of
when. Everyone bleeds, it doesn’t matter how far up you’ve managed to crawl
up the social ladder. How rich, how successful, how great of a person you
are. It doesn’t matter if you’re a freaking saint. I will find you, and I
will kill you. I will torture you for the fun of it. It serves no purpose
for you to have died without ever knowing why you deserved it. I finally
realized that I’m not the problem, we’re all flawed beyond belief and some
people just have no modesty.
Something something god is dead.
I’m just… I feel better. I’ve turned a lot of the bottled rage outward.
I’m 97% less likely to participate in domestic terrorism, workplace
shootings, and other violent outbursts. It feels a lot better wearing your
contempt for humanity like a badge of honor.
I missed my medication this morning. Dizzy as fuck.
A fascinating post, by the way. It’s perhaps a bit forward (and yet again rude) of me to say this, but your longer posts are always great to read, because they are so raw, and I think it takes a degree of courage few have to dredge that up.
“Something something god is dead.”
I apologize. I don’t know what for, I don’t really know if it’s my place, and I kind of agree with that statement honestly but it’s fun to just go with instincts and not be rational at times. So I apologize.
If you are a five year old who draws pictures and also like ripping them up, my last post was meant in no way as a critique as your unique form of expression. Also welcome to tumblr!
When the big picture looks like a five-year old drew it and then ripped it to pieces
I just want to talk to you dammit.
I know. Writing a post mortem of a game not even a day after its release might make me look like a pretentious douche. But I always wanted to do one on Personal Trip to the Moon (and I actually kind of did, more on that later) and my experience with making indie games.
I want to write about how I feel as a newbie about starting to develop and release my first games.
Also I need a reason to procrastinate from working on my next game.
I think that the majority of the commentary of the polarizing sort is not something that you should attribute to personal flaws or merits, but rather to the community view on art games.
Art games, as I’ve said, are hard to review. They are hard to understand, and they simultaneously evoke a feeling of “this is deep yo” and “drat I don’t get it”.
Some people love that dichotomy of feelings. I know I do. But for others, it’s a reminder that maybe they need to think about games, which they don’t want to do. Or connect to others, which they don’t want to do. And they respond negatively.
I think either way, a polarizing effect is one that indicates you had impact. If you throw a stone in the sea and it makes splashes, is that not more appreciable than if you throw a stone in the sea and it mysteriously has no effect?
As to the insecurities regarding game creation and design, and the comparisons to other great games, I think you’re being analytical in a particularly harsh way to yourself and without considering the merits of the source of your insecurities: that there is in fact a talented and passionate group of indie developers out there!
That there IS a community is something to be grateful for. What if you were the best? What if you had none of these other indie games to push you to improve, to inspire you? Would that not be a totally different realm of motivational difficulties? I think that no matter where you are in the spectrum of talent (both fixed and perceived talent) motivational difficulties will exist.
So it’s ok to be a frog in the well, and to find that outside of the well there is a whole new world. And I think that’s worth celebrating.
Celebrate that feeling of insecurity because it means you can only become more beautiful of a person and a developer over time. :)
Is this phrase sexist? Is this phrase part of rape culture? Or is this phrase useful, but more and more often misused to justify things as a result of a patriarchical culture that is getting defensive, and a growing awareness of rape culture as we enter our late teens and early twenties?
It’s getting harder and harder for me to look people in the eye.
It’s getting harder for me not to space out, for two, three, four minutes at a time, thinking about nothing.
It’s getting harder for me to craft arguments. Arguing exhausts me.
It’s getting harder for me to be around people who are WITH other people. Their laughter and chatter make me itch for a sample of the same.
Envy is definitely the thing that crops up the most. I’m envious of everything.
It’s getting harder for me to watch where my car is going. I suddenly notice a driver changing lanes, a changing light, but I can’t really remember how I got there.
It’s getting harder for me to stay calm. There’s bubbling rage all the time. I’m simultaneously looking for opportunities to lash out at others and for ways to lash out at myself.
Breathing exercises still help, but I have to do them for longer.
It’s harder, when I focus on my breathing, to keep it from shuddering.
My emails pile up.
Chocolate tastes nauseating, partially because it’s sweet and sweet things taste odd now, and partially because I feel like I’m supposed to like it, and feel guilty when I don’t.
People around me are less beautiful. Less attractive.
When I look at plants, I don’t notice the flowers. I see only the spidery limbs of things. It took someone to point me to some particularly nice white dogwoods before I realized that a tree I was sitting under was actually flowering.
I blink a lot less.
My body feels limp and ragged. It knows I’m neglecting it, and it’s trying to tell me, and it’s starting to get through.
I spend less time thinking and more time panicking and wallowing and just frozen in time.
But how do you treat them?
Breathing seems cheap sometimes. I want it to seem rich again.
Love at first sight isn’t love. It’s lust. It’s a strong animalistic attraction formed from the energy we give off from our wiring / story / tools plus our firm grip on love stories from movies and fairytales. I understand you can see someone from across the room, lock eyes, and a few months later you’re moving in together, adopting a dog, or tying the knot. These things happen. It happened to me. But that’s not love at first sight. The love doesn’t come until later, and it’s usually a rocky one. Or it isn’t love at all. It’s stretched attraction, a tornado of chaos. He’s Sid and you’re Nancy.
At second sight, you may find the person attractive but you don’t necessarily think you found your soulmate. Your socks are still on. But you’re curious and willing to make an effort to be “coincidentally” around that person as much as you can. It’s a slower start, a gradual build. You have more power in this one. Logic is still accessible. You have not lost yourself. Or your life. This means you will have the ability to make healthier choices. And this ability keeps the relationship on it’s tracks, from not veering off the road and nose diving into a swamp. Basically, the chances of this relationship having legs increases.
Third sight is someone you’ve been friends with. Usually a good friend. Maybe even a childhood friend. No matter the duration, you are friends first. There was no instant “I wanna rip your clothes off”. You’ve grown to like this person and like budding leaves, saw more and more growth, not only in the relationship but yourself because of the relationship. He’s Harry and you’re Sally. The potential of this turning into something great increases exponentially. When attraction forms from something that already has a built in base, a foundation, you are going into something with a head start. I call it legs. There are no surprises. And if there are, hopefully they’re pleasant. But the flip side to love at third sight is once you cross that friend line, the friendship you had dies and a new one builds, one with a different dynamic. So there’s risk. What you’re doing is trading in your friend for a lover. Many people don’t see it that way. They want to hold on to both and that’s when things go south.
I’ve experienced love at first sight and second. But I have yet to experience love at third sight so this is just my theory based on being a therapist and insight. I think age plays a factor as well. When we’re in our teens and twenties, we’re only looking for that first sight or maybe second sight love. We don’t look at what’s right under our nose. Because we’re searching for exciting, fresh, instant. It’s not until later, after many hours of therapy and possibly a rebirth, that we realize power doesn’t always equal quality. Powerful attraction usually points to dysfunction. There’s no free lunch and it applies to relationships as well. If it seems too good to be true, it usually is. Unless the “too good” is built. Not seen.
Just want to point out that any and all third-sight lovers will be short changed in this system on account of the majority of the others out there not acknowledging their desired relationships, while they look for first/second-sight.
So after time goes by, third-sight lovers are disillusioned with the ‘friends’ and go after the ‘first-sights’, who are now disillusioned with that and go with third-sights. Lots of mismatches in the works.
- Thinking someone is cute
- Having a crush on someone
- Being interested in someone
- Liking someone
- Loving someone
- Being in love with someone
I think the first is a bit generic. For me at least, the crush/interest/like phases are all clumped together very very rapidly and not worth distinguishing.